Lee Pitts: The Backyard Conservancy
March 29, 2018
Attention wealthy widows, leftover 1960 hippies, greedy multi-national corporations with a guilt complex and other politically correct people with too much time and money on their hands…
First of all a word of congratulations on helping us lock up the entire western United States. Thanks to your efforts all the forests and grasslands will now be managed by the same people who brought you the EPA, IRS, BLM and the Congress of these United States.
Just because we have locked up and shut down the entire western part of our great country doesn't mean we have put an end to the trashing of our planet. It has come to our attention that environmental destruction on a monumental scale is occurring right in our own backyards. Yes, our own backyards. We cannot continue to let this happen so we have joined together several for-profit lawyers masquerading as environmental groups to form The Backyard Conservancy. Members of this organization shall henceforth be known as NIMBY's (Not In My BackYard) and the goal shall be to buy up all the backyards in this country that are now privately owned. After all, we can no longer permit private citizens to own their backyards.
Why should backyards be any different than ranch lands, farm ground or forests? And shouldn't urban dwellers be forced, coerced and strong-armed into living by the same set of absurd rules as farmers and ranchers are? I'm sure all those city dudes who complain about how everything ranchers, farmers, loggers, roustabouts and miners do is ruining the world will be more than happy to contribute their own backyards to the cause.
A few long-haired, communist professors at liberal eastern universities who we've funded with billions in grant money have come to the conclusion that deforestation practices such as clipping hedges, mowing lawns and trimming trees may be destroying the ozone layer. They have estimated that the smoke created by toxic backyard chicken barbecues alone will destroy the earth's ozone layer in just 400 million zillion years.
Were you aware that in watering their lawns alone urban Americans are wasting enough water to feed the world's hungry? And for what, so that they can have green grass! We NIMBY's like grass as well as anybody (maybe more) but it is our goal to buy up all the backyards and replant them in real grass. The kind we can smoke.
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Many groups are now responding to our urgent call. Several wildlife organizations are concerned about the endangered species that are being summarily destroyed in backyards across the country including the Geomys bursarius (gopher) and the El grosso maggotosa (house fly). By sending your money to the Backyard Conservancy you can help eliminate the fly swatter, insect repellent, D-Con and gopher traps. It is our goal to repopulate this country's backyards with spotted owls, sucker fish, wolves, Koala bears, howling monkeys, wild pigs, polar bears, mountain goats and penguins. We've been assured by life-long bureaucrats at the Interior Department in Washington DC that the wolves will stay where they are put and won't molest or bother the Koalas, pigs, goats, or penguins.
Already many groups outside the mainstream environmental movement have joined us. The animal rights' organization, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, has become an honorary NIMBY due to their concerns that dogs and cats are being held captive in inadequate housing in backyards all across the USA.
The atrocities occurring in America's backyards are endless. We must put an end to swimming pools that replace wetlands and doggie doo that contaminates the ground water. We must clean up visual pollutants sitting in backyards across this country such as rusty swing sets, fishing boats and broken bicycles.
The time has come for NIMBY's to UNITE. Don't delay, send in your tax deductible donation TODAY so that we can start buying up and conserving backyards across America TOMORROW. The first 100 idiots who respond to this clarion call will receive a "Not In My Backyard" shopping bag made from recycled crab grass.