Lee Pitts: Thunder Butts
I’m sure you’ve heard that Progressive Democrats like Alexandria Ocasio Cortez from New York and Ed Markey from Massachusetts have said in the Green New Deal that we need to eradicate cows from the face of the earth if mankind is to survive the next 12 years. New Jersey Senator Corey Booker said, “The devastating impact from emissions from the meat industry must end.” I find this hilarious because Booker is a vegan and it’s common knowledge that vegans eat a lot of beans and legumes. Scientists tell us that the average person has attacks of flatulence 14 times per day (really) but vegetarians and vegans, because they consume more beans and legumes, can easily double that daily production, which explains why Booker is one big gasbag.
The reason I’m not using the same word the Democrats use to describe this bovine flatulence is because my mother raised me to be a gentleman and in our house the word f**t was a four letter word and if she heard one of her kids using it we’d have our mouth washed out with soap. Yuck! The only word that comes close to replacing the word the Progressives insist on using is flatulating, which I’m quite sure my mother wouldn’t approve of either. But in finding an alternative word I found my Thesaurus doesn’t include the word f**t or f**ting. I could change the spelling and use phart or pharting but that’s just beating around the bush. So I turned to my dictionary which suggested this alternative: “Simultaneous combustion as a result of retention of excessive methane.” But it’s ridiculous to use up that many words in my allotted space so for the rest of this essay I’ll just use the first letters of all the words in that definition which turns out to be “scaaroroem”. Catchy, don’t you think?
My encyclopedia contained all sorts of interesting information about scaaroroem, for example, did you know that in the 19th century there was a Frenchman by the name of Le Potomane who could actually make melodic music by scaaroroeming? Also, did you know that even dead people scaaroroem?
What the encyclopedia did not say and the Progressive Democrats seem to be unaware of is that cows don’t scaaroroem. At least not very much. They belch instead. If there was all this bovine flatulating going on dairymen would all be deaf, and when you branded your calves the stench would drive even the most gross cowboy to load up his horse and go home. But the bi-coastal Progressives seem to be suffering from nature-deficiency-disorder from hardly ever going outside, so how should they be expected to know that your average teenager scaaroroems more than a cow does.
In an effort to reach across the aisle and educate the ignorant politicians I invited a leading local liberal lady who is always writing letters to the editor about cows scaaroroeming to a stakeout where we would both go to a nearby auction market armed with sophisticated listening devices and catch the cows in the act, so to speak. On the evening of our stakeout the liberal lady vegetarian showed up all in black: black pants, black hoody and hat with her face streaked with black grease paint like NFL football players use. I could hardly see her but we had to go undercover or the cows might be too embarrassed to blast away, they being females and all.
We chose the medicine shack in the middle of the auction yard so we could catch the heavy tail gun fire from the thunder butts from all angles. It was close quarters and we even took the precaution of sitting on bare wood so there’d be no false positives when one of us slid across a leather seat, for example. The liberal lady was surprised that it was surprisingly quiet, other than a belch or two, no doubt coming from adolescent steers.
Then, all of a sudden, there was this terrible scaaroroem that made me pinch my nose and breath through my mouth. But the combination duck call and stink bait did not originate from the cattle but was instead what I’d refer to as “friendly fire”, if you get my drift. It turned out that my vegetarian friend took that old Irish saying to heart: “May the wind be forever at your back.”