The Hypocrats | TSLN.com

The Hypocrats

The political asylum that passes for our democracy these days consists of two parties, left wing Democrats and right wing Republicans, and the schism between the two is wider than the gap between Michael Strahan's front teeth. In actuality there is a third, stealth party, I call the Hypocrats, who, more and more, seem to swing every election in this country.

The Hypocrats, (or Hypocrits) include old and burnt out hippies of the '60s, flat broke, jobless and in-debt millenials, greenies, the gay, lesbian, and transvestite community, African Americans, Latino Americans, liberal conservatives and conservative liberals.

Like the Democrats and Republicans, the Hypocrats should have their own mascot: the Hippo, one of nature's most unpredictable and aggressive creatures. The Hippo is a perfect fit because it's a thin skinned mammal that never works and can barely keep its head above water. It mostly lays around all day in the swamp. Once the male of the species fathers a child it's bye-bye baby. It communicates through its huge mouth with loud grunts.

Hippos can cause extensive environmental damage and marks its territory in an amusing way. When it defecates it rapidly spins its tail in order to spread its manure over a wide area, reminiscent of a manure spreader. This is accompanied by an extended loud release of greenhouse gases that produces a sound similar to a chainsaw. Once you see this on YouTube you'll agree that no party has a more representative mascot.

Here's the Hypocratic platform: "We, the Hypocratic Party, believe that soccer moms have the right to burn gas and oil in their large SUVs and to wear bumper stickers calling for the shutdown of all frackers and crackers (refineries). Hypocrats want to tear down dams and nukes and then sue utility companies for blackouts. We want to wear jewelry but put miners out of work. We don't want cattle pooping on public lands but it's okay for wild horses and purse dogs to do so. We believe in picking up after your pet and thereby filling our landfills with mostly small plastic goodie bags.

Hypocrats believe that pot should be legalized but we don't want any GMOs in our food. We believe that farmers waste too much water keeping us fed but don't see anything hypocritical about watering our lawns, playing golf on green grass or swimming in the pool at the gym. We live in houses made of lumber but don't want any trees cut down.

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As Hypocrats we believe any person who starts a backfire on his ranch that accidentally burns 100 acres of public juniper, thereby doing the land some good, should be thrown in jail for five years, but it's all right for the Interior Department to so mismanage our public lands so that millions of acres, both public and private, are incinerated on a yearly basis. If a few endangered animals get barbecued in the process that's the price we'll have to pay. But don't you dare shoot a wolf munching on a calf, lamb or the public's elk.

Hypocrats believe that every drop of water belongs to the feds and that a private citizen may not wash their contaminated hands in a river, but it's okay for the EPA to discharge millions of gallons of contaminated water into the Animas and San Juan Rivers.

We believe all coal mines should be shut and that wind farms the size of Rhode Island should be subsidized with tax dollars. If those big fan blades slice and dice a few bald eagles that's just a price we'll have to pay for "going green". But if you shoot an endangered or threatened species you'll go to jail for longer than most murderers do; but not until after you've gone broke paying lawyer fees and fines. Hypocrats want to bring back the grizzlies in your backyard, not ours.

The Hypocratic Party believes that guns should be banned so that teenage boys won't kill their classmates. While at the same time liberal Hollywood producers have the right to make violent shoot-em-up movies and video games in which impressionable teenage boys shoot and blow people up. As Hypocrats we see no connection between the two."

The motto of the Hypocrats is, "Do as we say, not as we do."