Baxter Black: All Ranch Rodeo
“Twas a matchup made in Elko for the cowboys in the know
Called the Rough and Ready Knock Down Finals All Ranch Rodeo.
Now the Texans entered up a team they thought could never lose
When they bet their reps against the Jordan Valley Buckaroos.
You could tell from where they hailed if you put ’em up for bids,
All the buckaroos wore fancy scarves and Amish lookin’ lids
While the Texans wore their jackets for the brush down in the draws
And them twenty dollar roll-yer-own, cheap Guatemalan straws.
It was Blucher versus Leddy, it was leggin’s versus chinks
It was rye versus tequila, it was leppies versus dinks,
It was sagebrush versus cactus, it was ear tick versus fly,
It was Poco Bueno versus sloggers raised on alkali.
The Texans took an early lead, at ropin’ showed their stuff,
But the buckin’ horse fandango showed the buckaroos were tough.
They branded in a dead heat, but in deference to the crowd
Each side was harshly penalized for cussin’ so dang loud.
So the teams were standin’ even when the final contest came,
UNTAMED UNGULATE EXTRACTION, wild cow milkin’, by name.
They loosed the beasts together, left their calves to bawl and mill
And the two teams fell upon ’em like hyenas on a kill.
The buckaroo a’horseback threw his forty-footer right.
He dallied just about the time the Texan’s rope came tight.
Their trajectories collided in a bawlin’, buckin’ wreck,
The ropes and cows got tangled and they wound up neck to neck.
In the meantime two big muggers plus two others brave and bold
Attacked the knot of thrashing hide and tried to get ahold
Of somethin’, hoof or horn or foot or spur or can of snoose.
Then, by accident some dummy turned the bawlin’ calves a’loose!
There was hair and teeth and eyeballs in the picture now and then,
There was moustache lips and swingin’ bags, some thought they saw a hen
Flashin’ briefly through the dust cloud. Wild images remain;
A painting done in cow manure, a mating sandhill crane.
To describe the cataclysm would create an overload,
But a photograph was taken and this is what it showed;
At the summit pointed skyward were the Texas mugger’s toes,
One arm around a buckaroo, his fingers up his nose,
Who, in turn was mounted sideways splayed acrost a bally black
Who was layin’ on a milker who was smashed flat on his back.
The braymer cow was balanced on her head amidst the jag,
While the Texan fought her baby for possession of the bag.
From the cyclone flew two milkers, bottles high for all to see
Like two winos at a party where the wine and cheese was free.
The buckaroo’s hind leg was draggin’ like he’d lost the farm.
But he kept his place by clingin’ to the Texan’s broken arm.
When they fell across the finish line and tumbled in the dirt
The judge declared the buckaroo the winner by a squirt.
Since the race looked pert near even, the judge said with a shrug,
“The winner is the cowboy with the most milk in his jug!”
“I object!” cried out the Texan, “Our ol’ cow just had three tits!”
“That’s a handicap,” the judge said, “I admit it’s sure the pits,
But in fairness to the buckaroo who dallys for his kicks
If you added all his fingers, he could barely count to six!”
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